Thursday, April 23, 2009

Counting My Blessings

Thank you all for your prayers, sweet comments, and deeds. It is very evident to me that I am being prayed for. Today it was greatly felt.

Well, I am ashamed to think of how many days I have prayed and asked God to guide me in my day and then gone on to forget about seeking His will and doing my own which can sometimes end in a pretty frazzled day. Today was different. I have been very, terribly tired lately (and unable to sleep at night for some reason) as I still have the pregnancy symptoms. It is a strange thing to have the symptoms knowing there will be no reward for them! ;) Lately I have had days where I can't possibly fathom making dinner and gotten us Subway for dinner or, worse yet, Big Daddy's (very good but very unhealthy). This morning I sincerely prayed for God to give me grace to have energy to do the things I need to do well (school with the kids, being a pleasant and cheerful wife and mommy hoping to set a good atmosphere in my home, keeping the house clean, spending fun time with the kids...) Today was a really, really good day. After school I felt like I needed to find the quickest way to get a nap and felt really drained. I almost decided to skip taking the kids to the zoo as I had planned or atleast wait until later after a nap. I thought maybe if I just went that I would gain some energy from walking and being outside. Or, I could end up being even more drained. I packed us a lunch and we went. Bailey was so proud that he had his own money to spend (he worked hard in the yard for Derrick so that Derrick could mow last week and had some money from G-ma Young). Bailey bought carousel rides for his sister and him and got them some toys from the gift shop. We had a picnic at the park and then looked at the animals. It was a good strenuous walk pushing the double stroller (particularly up the hill)! I felt really good and the kids were incredibly good the whole time! Samantha was so happy that she does what she does when her cup is about to run over. When we were having our picnic, she spontaneously and loudly yelled with great emotion, "I love you, mom! And I love the whole world!" She had to say it twice! ;) When we got home the kids rested and I cleaned the bathrooms and started a nice dinner that turned out to be so good. I was so happy that I even had the energy to do this and had not even taken a nap. I was cleaning the kid's toilet which was a lot less fun than the time at the zoo! It happened to be very disgusting as one of the kids had left a terrible mess on it. The first temptation was to be frustrated. But then I thought, "I would much rather have them and this disgusting toilet than not have them and have a clean, sparkling toilet all the time." Then I thanked God for blessing me with them and I meant it with all my heart. Then on to the kitchen and I was overwhelmed with even more thoughts of how blessed I am to have my family. Later I was putting Isabella's car seat back together after washing it which can be time consuming and a little more challenging with the extra car seat cover I have. If you make one wrong move, which I did, you have to pull the straps out and start over again. I got a sore back over the whole deal. Again, I had thoughts of how thankful I am to have her and her difficult little car seat! We had a really good dinner complete with my friend, Kimber's, best potato salad ever, aside from my moms! After dinner my little blessings helped me unload the dishwasher, wash the dishes, and wipe the table off (though Derrick usually does this part) with great eagerness. And my sweet husband, though he was very tired today and wanted to relax, decided to grant Bailey's request of going for a bike ride. So, the girls rode in the double stroller, Bailey rode his bike, and, of course, Molly came too! I love our family walks. Then we got in my bed and read some books from G-ma Bobber. Derrick brought me a once very dirty baby that was all clean and smelled of one of my favorite scents, Baby Magic Baby Wash. We read the kids their "treasure", their Bibles, and the VERY tired little ones went to bed. It was such good time spent together and such a nice day.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away

Today we had our first doctor appointment. It was...unexpected. I couldn't sleep the night before as I laid awake not able to shut my mind down. "Liliana for a girl. I love that. I hope Derrick will warm to it. But, it's our friends' little girl's name. Is that really okay? (Lily happens to be a family name.) Okay, so we know Cameron for a boy-that was decided for if Isabella was a boy. Is it going to be an ultrasound like Samantha's (that appeared to possibly have been two babies with the other one not developing), only two healthy twin babies? Whoa, what are we going to do if it is twins?! Exciting, but whoa!" What's my actual due date going to be?...My heart was racing.

We got to the doctor's office this morning and Derrick was taming Isabella mostly. I sat in the chair in the waiting room feeling terribly nauseous. Then, we found out the doctor had to go deliver a baby and I had to wait 45 min.- an hour.

When he got back we did an ultrasound. Time to see this baby we had been thinking of since we found out on April Fool's day. I knew it was kind of strange because it didn't look like the other ultrasounds. There was nothing to see just a complete blank area. He kept moving it around and said he was concerned. Then he shut it down and explained to me that it appears that I have what is called a blighted ovum. This means there was a fertilized egg that did not grow. He said he believes my body will miscarry on its own. I will go back for another ultrasound in a week.

So, right now, we are just waiting. One of the most heartbreaking things was Bailey's response. He began crying and asked if it was because he jumped on mommy's belly and we reassured him it was not his fault. Derrick sweetly comforted him and answered all his questions. Then, he prayed with us all in the car. After a little bit he got in his truck and headed back to work. He called and reminded me of the woman in Facing the Giants who said, "I will love you still." and of Job who lost his children and praised God still. Then, he ended up coming home and couldn't work. We are sad of the dreams of having this baby dying but we know that God is sovereign over all and has His plans. His ways are so much higher than ours...We are happy for the baby who Bailey says has joined the cousin's baby in heaven. We will praise Him still...we will praise Him still.

I did not write these next words but found this girl's blog who has gone through the same thing and thought she said it very well:

"When we got the ultrasound done, we realized that the baby had died when he was first being developed - too early to even "classify" him as human according to science. A blighted ovum, they call it. But I know that the Lord knows each and every one of us before we were even in our mother's womb and that He planned for us and made us each fully human at conception. Science says there never was a baby, but the Lord says that my baby was planned for and treasured before he even had a body... before his mom and dad even knew about him.

A friend sent a little motivational saying to me and this is what I have been praying every single day - "Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap and tell them about You, but since I didn't get the chance, would You please hold my baby on Your lap and tell him about me?"

That is my prayer. I didn't get the chance to know whether my baby is a boy or a girl. But I trust the Lord that He will tell my baby everything about me and his daddy. That he will know what plans we had for him, how much we loved him, how wanted he was... and that God will give him a name better than any other name. I am craving the day when I will be able to cross over to heaven and hold my baby for the first time.

The Bible says that we are all appointed to die. I know that eventually my baby would have died. And I trust that God knows what He is doing... and if I were to be only separated by a year or by 30 or 40 years, I can't wait for the day to be in heaven, worshiping the Lord with my baby at my side."

"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." Job 1:21

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

A really good children's book

Sidney & Norman: A Tale of Two Pigs - By: Phil Vischer -

This is a book written by the creator of Veggie Tales.

I was at Mardel's and saw this book and remembered that my friend, Kelly, really liked it. So, I flipped it open and began reading. It is really good and I grabbed it for the kids (on sale too for $5.99!). It was actually a gift to be given from my g-ma so I had to wait a couple of days to read it to them but couldn't wait! When I did read it to them it just about brought tears to my eyes. I totally related to the pig, Sidney. As much as I really work at being more like a lot of aspects of Norman minus the judgementalness of him ;) (for those of you who have read it). What really touched me was when God told Sidney, "I love you...I love you...I love you." even though he was far from perfect. Anyway, I really recommend it and hope it would touch you too if you check it out, especially if you are a Norman or a Sidney!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

At the creek

Derrick had drill this weekend and the kids and I went with my mom to Westville (almost to Arkansas) to pick up her cousin. We stopped by the creek and the kids loved it. We all did! It is so peaceful there. We didn't find any crawdads but we looked! The kids enjoyed throwing rocks in the water and then stripping off clothes and playing in the water. We would love to go camping there! My mom's grandpa owned the land and we used to camp there all the time when I was growing up. We would catch fish and my mom could even skin, filet, & fry them. I remember we would eat the little white powdered donuts from the sack and they always tasted so much better there at the creek. On the way home we ate at an Amish restaurant in Chouteau. It was so good! They had lots of good pie and good country cookin'! My favorite!

Earlier that morning Bay and Samantha had gone out in the backyard to play. Bailey has become our little bug man and catches all kinds of things and saves them. I heard him crying and Samantha came running to me to tell me he had been stung by a bee! He came inside and I pulled the little stinger out of his finger while Samantha was rushing to get him a band- aid. He said, "I tried to pick him up because I thought he was like all those other bugs, like beetles..." I have told him before that bees sting but he didn't seem to remember. I know he won't forget now! Recently he has collected a slug (it had babies), a cricket, a roly poly, lady bugs, butterflies, a dragonfly... Anything he can find he puts in a container or bug keeper. I have to keep on him about letting them go before they die!

I came back to edit this post because shortly after Bailey brought a baby centipede looking thing in the house! He didn't seem to be concerned, unlike me.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Big News in Bear Country!

The Berenstain Bears and Baby Makes Five : Stan Berenstain & Jan Berenstain

The Bear Family who lives in a tree house down a sunny, dirt road has big news! They have a new baby!

In other words, The Hildebrant Family has big news!

I guess I could have titled this post, "A birthday present for Aunt Kay Kay" as the baby will be here on or around her birthday, December 2!