The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away

Today we had our first doctor appointment. It was...unexpected. I couldn't sleep the night before as I laid awake not able to shut my mind down. "Liliana for a girl. I love that. I hope Derrick will warm to it. But, it's our friends' little girl's name. Is that really okay? (Lily happens to be a family name.) Okay, so we know Cameron for a boy-that was decided for if Isabella was a boy. Is it going to be an ultrasound like Samantha's (that appeared to possibly have been two babies with the other one not developing), only two healthy twin babies? Whoa, what are we going to do if it is twins?! Exciting, but whoa!" What's my actual due date going to be?...My heart was racing.

We got to the doctor's office this morning and Derrick was taming Isabella mostly. I sat in the chair in the waiting room feeling terribly nauseous. Then, we found out the doctor had to go deliver a baby and I had to wait 45 min.- an hour.

When he got back we did an ultrasound. Time to see this baby we had been thinking of since we found out on April Fool's day. I knew it was kind of strange because it didn't look like the other ultrasounds. There was nothing to see just a complete blank area. He kept moving it around and said he was concerned. Then he shut it down and explained to me that it appears that I have what is called a blighted ovum. This means there was a fertilized egg that did not grow. He said he believes my body will miscarry on its own. I will go back for another ultrasound in a week.

So, right now, we are just waiting. One of the most heartbreaking things was Bailey's response. He began crying and asked if it was because he jumped on mommy's belly and we reassured him it was not his fault. Derrick sweetly comforted him and answered all his questions. Then, he prayed with us all in the car. After a little bit he got in his truck and headed back to work. He called and reminded me of the woman in Facing the Giants who said, "I will love you still." and of Job who lost his children and praised God still. Then, he ended up coming home and couldn't work. We are sad of the dreams of having this baby dying but we know that God is sovereign over all and has His plans. His ways are so much higher than ours...We are happy for the baby who Bailey says has joined the cousin's baby in heaven. We will praise Him still...we will praise Him still.

I did not write these next words but found this girl's blog who has gone through the same thing and thought she said it very well:

"When we got the ultrasound done, we realized that the baby had died when he was first being developed - too early to even "classify" him as human according to science. A blighted ovum, they call it. But I know that the Lord knows each and every one of us before we were even in our mother's womb and that He planned for us and made us each fully human at conception. Science says there never was a baby, but the Lord says that my baby was planned for and treasured before he even had a body... before his mom and dad even knew about him.



A friend sent a little motivational saying to me and this is what I have been praying every single day - "Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap and tell them about You, but since I didn't get the chance, would You please hold my baby on Your lap and tell him about me?"

That is my prayer. I didn't get the chance to know whether my baby is a boy or a girl. But I trust the Lord that He will tell my baby everything about me and his daddy. That he will know what plans we had for him, how much we loved him, how wanted he was... and that God will give him a name better than any other name. I am craving the day when I will be able to cross over to heaven and hold my baby for the first time.

The Bible says that we are all appointed to die. I know that eventually my baby would have died. And I trust that God knows what He is doing... and if I were to be only separated by a year or by 30 or 40 years, I can't wait for the day to be in heaven, worshiping the Lord with my baby at my side."

"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." Job 1:21