Gift #2 Trials and Pain

(me)

Yes, trials and pain. Why? Because they bring us closer to Him and make us more like Him.

I don't think I've ever heard more honest words than these written by Ann Voskamp in her book, 1000 Gifts, "For years, I have pulled the covers up over my head, dreading to begin another day I'd be bound to just wreck. Years, I lie listening to the taunt of names ringing off my interior walls, ones from the past that never drifted far and away: Loser. Mess. Failure. They are signs nailed overhead, nailed through me, naming me. The stars are blinking out. Funny, this. Yesterday morning, the morning before, all these mornings, I wake to discontent of life in my skin. I wake to self-hatred. To the wrestle to get it all done, the relentless anxiety that I am failing. Always, the failing. I yell at children, fester with bitterness, forget doctor appointments, lose library books, live selfishly, skip prayer, complain, go to bed late, neglect cleaning the toilets. I live tired. Afraid. Anxious. Weary. Years, I feel it in the veins, the pulsing of ruptured hopes. Would I ever be enough, find enough, do enough?"

I was stunned that she admitted that. Or that she felt that. More specifically, that she said for years of mornings she has woken wanting to die. I haven't felt that intense but have had moments that I long for Heaven. If you look at her blog and peek into her life she seems to "have it all together." She says she's a mess. I can relate to that. I have said before I am like Sidney in the children's book, Sidney and Norman by Phil Vischer. But to hear someone that looks like they "have it all together" say that?

The truth is I could have written these words myself, only not quite so eloquently. I can also relate with her wanting to live fully. To cherish these fleeting moments we have. Even to embrace the pain caused by living in a fallen world. I have learned so much about things such as love and forgiveness through the trials God has allowed in my life. He has used them for good. Always for our good. "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28